Creationists Finally Disprove Evolutionary Theory

Today is a day of triumph for the most conservative Christians, as their teams of theological experts and internally-educated science experts have finally disproved the controversial Theory of Evolution, causing widespread disillusionment among the world's scientists. The most conservative Christians have been vying for this since the infamous Scopes v. Tenn, in 1925. Those who interpret the creation stories as positivist history may now rest easily, knowing that their preconceptions have been thoroughly validated, as the whole of biology has acquiesced to this new evidence.

One prominent geneticist, who wished to remain anonymous, declared, "This is a sad day for the field of biology. We should have seen this coming. All of our data since Darwin has to be re-evaluated in light of the Creationists' new evidence. I mean, whoa."

When asked why, as a biologist, she would would defer to the scientific judgments of theologians with no scientific training, she said simply that, "We've been faking this the whole time -- all of us. We simply don't have a shred of hard evidence to support this theory."

A prominent atheist and evolutionary biologist, who wished only to be identified as "Flying Spaghetti," would only say that the new Creationist evidence further supports atheism, arguing that there is no reason to "...suppose that any god powerful and creative enough to create human beings would do it in such a trivial and unimaginative manner, and thus we must believe that this is an inevitable consequence of the universe."

School children in Texas were especially pleased, since the stickers on their biology textbooks had left some unconvinced. Matt Deriks, a student in the Dallas Independent School District, quipped, "I saw the stickers about how evolution was only a theory, and I believed it. It was really the deciding factor for me. I'm glad to see that the people in Texas was really looking out for me, instead of just telling me what the Ph.Ds in biology want me to hear. I mean, what do they know? You know what I mean?" Most of the students, however, were reveling in their practiced disinterest and did not have a comment, aside from the occasional "meh."

Those Christians who are less conservative were also surprised, but most were too busy wallowing in their drunken debauchery to respond to our inquiries.

Most other Christians did not see what the big deal was. Sandra Danes commented, "So, now we have one theory that replaces the other. I'm not a scientist. This isn't going to change how I live my life. I don't get why some people spent so much time and money on this." Upon hearing this, the leader of the Creationists' study was indignant, saying that she obviously hadn't considered that, "...believing in evolution made her feel less special."

Many of the authors of the studies, which for some undisclosed reason appeared only on Christian web sites and were absent from scientific journals, see immediate implications for other issues.

Those involved in this research are now bullish about how this will effect change in the culture. "This has been one of our most important issues for decades," one member said. "But it was worth it. It's nice to be culturally relevant again."